Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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