Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
