I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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