i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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