i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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