I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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