I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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