I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
