I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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