Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
