break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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