grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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