A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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