Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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