you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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