so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
