note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize