I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
