apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
