haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
