areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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