you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
