There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
