you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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