Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
