Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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