He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize