high people should be assigned attendants
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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