Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My cat gives me a boner
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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