You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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