I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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