Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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