My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
