toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
