There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
