Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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