Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
