Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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