wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize