So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
