I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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