Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
