I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
