Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize