I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
