Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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