Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
