Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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