Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
