drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
