That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
