Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
