Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
