I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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