I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
